Trends

It's compelling to me that, on occasion, certain topics emerge throughout disparate client sessions in therapy during a given week*. Not necessarily the expected cultural touchstones that form the collective unconscious/24-hour news cycle (this week it was the queen), but the more textured and nuanced semi-conscious elements of ourselves.

One of the threads running through my practice (and culture) is people describing seemingly common attentional and relational issues in pretty stark and definitive terms; frequently invoking big and punchy diagnostic labels. I am sure you've seen/heard/read them too. "I have adhd/BPD/autism/I'm ND/depressed" and the reliably bemusing (for me) "mindfulness doesn't work on me."

These themes are reinforced reflexively, at great benefit to the shit-starters--good and bad--of the world. I find the parsing noteworthy. The ownership of labels is as much the product as the cause. Understanding your own strengths/limitations/preferences is a key part of life and self-improvement, and having the right diagnosis is crucial in pointing to the right medicine. But be way of the subtle aggression against yourself embedded in the idea of self-improvement.

You already are who you most desperately wish to become. Nothing outside yourself will aid you in stripping away and moving through the things you think are preventing the process from unfolding. And there are things in the way, obviously and inevitably. Like the fact that maybe you've already gotten immensely distracted in the course of reading this and had to start over a few times.

A well-stated problem is half-solved, and having a list of symptoms associated with a diagnosis is a great rubric from which to develop compensatory strategies for limiting factors and behaviors. Take care though. Employing your diagnosis as a barrier is something that can happen unconsciously when you internalize the behaviors associated with the diagnosis as an intractable part of your self. Instead of helping, taking ownership of these labels and behaviors can set one down upon a path of shame in lieu of healthy acceptance if you aren't mindful of the narrative that emerges after you've applied the label. "I have to make adjustments for my _____" is very different than "my _____ stops me from living my best life." Both reify into a belief about your inherent capabilities and limitations. If you believe you can, you're right. If you believe you can't, you're right.

Our bodies are constantly changing and regenerating, and you are in a profoundly different form than when you were born half-baked into a dangerous world and consequently conditioned by your subsequent experiences. You will continue to change--sometimes despite your best efforts--with each breath you take. Pay attention to your mind and your body, and gently redirect yourself to note whatever it is you need/want to be/could be/are doing at the moment.

Is it what you set out to do with this in your life? Make a choice to stick with it or move in a different direction, deliberately. You choose your choice (sort of). Make enough good-enough choices and change invariably follows. Not permanently, but play around with it. Start at the edges and work your way into what feels like the center--where the venn diagram of who you are and who you want to be is a single overlapping circle.

Give it time. Reflect on who and what inspires you. What sets you at ease. What makes you feel safe. Work to make space for a little bit of that on a more regular basis.

People have largely come to believe they have to do shit every day for it to stick. This is a myth.

While there is immense value in doing something every day, it's fucking hard! Stop setting yourself up for failure by thinking you have to first become the person who does the thing every day by first devising the system to make you stop being yourself in order to have the identity of the person who does the thing every day so that you just just mindlessly and without effort do the thing every day without any friction, thought, or doubt. Stop. Breathe. Relax. Think about who you want to be as your best self. Do a little bit of that thing as much as you can in this moment. Truly try to *embody* that feeling/identity/behavior. Enact the posture you perceive to be such that the person in your mind's eye would take. Stay in that place for as long as circumstances permit, notice when you've left, and return as you can. Sometimes you won't be able to. That's alright. Try to do whatever "it"is more frequently than every few days/months/years. Take tiny steps toward shrinking the window-of-latency that exists for you. Observe how the big the window is--how much time it really takes you--to turn a positive impulse into a positive action. What's in that window? What comes up for you that stops you from taking the positive action of returning to the object/activity of your truest intentions? Shrinking the window invariably means working to let go of the shit from the past and the fear for the future holding you back. Or the distractions that naturally populate the mind and the field of our awareness. Come back to the present. And let it rip.

*note, there is a perpetual question here--per the linked source:"Enactments are, by definition, initially unconscious, and they often remain that way for a considerable period of time. Becoming aware of our role in enactments can be a considerable challenge because we’re never completely transparent to ourselves." (Wallin, p. 273)